Of Cat nails and bloody wrists
by Carriedreamer
Summary: Takes about six or seven years after PH: Taking one panic stricken boy in green and one half insane she pirate with cat like nails into consideration... Linebeck knows he's in for a very... long... day... Leave a review if you can.


Another Linebeck drabble. And also yet another experiment in a different writing style. I do too many of those.

Timeline- Way past PH... maybe six or seven years later.

Rated- T for hysterical pregnant woman's rants. heh heh

Disclaimer- I do not own the legend of Zelda series.

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Captain Linebeck doesn't know which is sadder. 

The fact that his buddy in green is in the midst of a full blown breakdown…

Or...

The fact that it has been seven hours this poor woman has been screaming…

" LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!" For the twentieth time this hour.

All the men sitting outside flinch, and said man quick as a light is up and at his beloved's side once more.

" LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!" " DON'T YOU LEAVE ME I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!"

Sob…sob… five seconds of silence … cry of pain from buddy in green, as Linebeck guesses screamer's cat like nails dig into skin. Gentle reassurances of nonsense… another shriek and another rant…

" GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR YOU BASTARD, YOU DID THIS TO ME!" " YOU BASTARD I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!" " YEOWWWWWWWWWWWW!" " GET OUT YOU GODDAM BASTARD OUT!"

Said man thrown out… Linebeck simply sighs and scoots over to give Link room back on the couch.Also begins to wonder what's he's doing here in the first place.

" Why me..." The boy groans. " Linebeck.. I can't do this..."

Oh yes... now he remembers. Pats boy on head. Returns to newspaper. Boy hyperventilating beside him.

The fickle nature of women makes itself known…in less than five minutes

" LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!" Another shriek. Up again and away he goes

Linebeck locks eyes with everyone else who sit there uneasily.

Shrug. What can they do? Just sit back, wait, and keep the man from being clawed to death. Returns to paper. There's a good article on the dangers of hyoi pears.

" Why did you leave me!!!!" " Link how can you possibly expect me to go through this alone?!" Linebeck shake his head as he hears smothered grunt of pain as nails go back into skin.

Sob Sob… more sobbing and screaming and yelling and insults and curses…

All mostly directed at Link and his… er… manhood…

" THIS IS YOUR SICK REVENGE FOR THE CATAPOLT ISN'T IT!?" " ADMT IT! YOU SEDUCED ME ON PURPOSE YOU… YOU… MOBLIN!"

"... But you didn't mind at the time..."

More shuffling and screeches, until Link once again runs from the chamber of hell, narrowly avoiding another ( Linebeck had counted five this hour alone) pot chucked at his head. Locks eyes with frazzled boy warrior.

" Linebeck…?" he whimpers, his wrist bloody with deep indents size and shape of furious woman's nails.

" Don't look at me kid… see there's a reason I'm a confirmed bachelor." Sees blood. Sighs. Passing of red ascot to cover Link's wrist. " And- (Flash of pity for young eighteen year old). Pats said fool on shoulder, " There's a reason I use protection." Boy pales and puts head in hands. He flinches as she screams in agony, and calls his name yet again. Linebeck is forced to watch as his buddy once again goes into chamber of doom. Finishes article. he will never look at seagulls the same way again. Notices hangnail on pinky.

" WHY'D I AGREE TO THIS!" More shrieks of pain. " WHY WHY WHY!" sob sob...

Link's timid reply. " Because you love me…?"

Linebeck picks at annoying hangnail. Doesn't even look up as he hears pirate's sudden rage against his buddy in green turn physical… yet again… as they all hear yet another pot breaking… Linebeck begins to wonder where all these pots are coming from...

" IF YOU LOVED ME YOU'D BE DOING THIS FOR ME!"

" I-I do love you but I can't exactly-."

He shrieks this time along with her, Cat nails dig deeper in skin.

" OH YOU'RE IN PAIN!" " YOU'RE IN PAIN! HUH!" " JUST YOU WAIT YOU TILL-!" " AGGGGGGGGGGGGH!" " GEEEEEEEEEEEET OUUUUUUUUUUUUT!"

Boy's wrist is a bloody mess. Boy has pleading look in face.

" I warned ya." He succeeds in removing hangnail.

" Shut up."

Two heartbeats pass.

" LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!"

Turns. Opens door. Closes door. Linebeck waits for inevitable escape.

_One heartbeat_.

Link nowhere in sight.

_Two heartbeats._

Pirate woman's screaming gets more rushed.

_Three heartbeats._

He hears buddy's grunt of pain.

_Four heartbeats_

Worst scream of them all.

_Five heartbeats_.

Silence.

_Six heartbeats._

Happy sobbing.

_Seven heartbeats._

Door thrown open. Linebeck sees pirate woman calm and collected, simply glowing, and holding bundle in pink cloth., says nothing about red stain on newly polished door. Mentally notes that Link can keep the ascot.

Link handed bundle in pink.

Linebeck doesn't know what's funnier…

Normally fierce pirate girl, and normally fierce warrior are cooing unintelligible nonsense to pink bundle.

Or...

The fact that said warrior is still bleeding profusely all over white fleece comforter…

" Isn't she beautiful Link!" " I'm so happy!" Pirate girl has forgotten prior misery and threats to painfully castrate lover with rusty grappling hook.

" What shall we name her?" Warrior has forgotten about bleeding wrist, and is still making stains on Linebeck's once brand new ascot… " I say Victoria."

Pirate woman shakes head, " I like Lillian."

" Victoria." Warrior says smoothly.

" Lillian." Pirate says sweetly.

Smile begins to fade. " Victoria."

Glow begins to subside. " Lillian."

"… Well I say Victoria for my mother." Vein has popped. Linebeck debates running.

" Well I say Lillian for _my _mother!" Pirate Woman sitting up, fire in eyes.

" VICTORIA!" Link bellows.

" LILLIAN!" Tetra shrieks.

Linebeck sighs. Settles on couch.

" BASTARD!" She shrieks.

" SHE CAT!" He bellows.

" Goo!" Unnamed baby in Link's arms quirps just as loud.

Linebeck groans and puts head in hands.

Here they go again.

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Aww poor Linebeck. Sorry, couldn't resist. I hope it was at least remotely funny. well sayonara for now. Hope y'all liked. 


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